Archive for December, 2008

I’m Not Vain, But I Miss The Sound Of My Voice

Yup, laryngitis, folks. I sound like a boy going through puberty. You know I actually wanted laryngitis once. It would have given me the chance to not speak to people. Yeah, I’m that bad when it comes to being personable. If you don’t believe me ask my friend Kristy.

Anyway, I’ll be back on New Year’s. Hopefully with my voice. Until then I’ve got some crank calls to make.


December 30, 2008 at 4:24 am 8 comments

Santa Is On My Hit List

He decided coal wouldn’t be good enough for me, so he brought me a sore throat, chest congestion, and a stuffed up nose. The man in the red suit is not to be trusted. I will be buying a tranquilizer, but it will be for the man who laughs merrily and leaves behind influenza for those who are really naughty.

Or maybe he just wanted to replace Rudolph ’cause my nose could beat his at theĀ  moment.

But that’s beside the point. Santa if you are reading this know you are on my hit list. Right above Wally World, but below Eve–’cause I have a few words for her when I get to heaven due to Aunt Flo and child birth.

*Back to my lifetime supply of tissue and orange juice.

December 27, 2008 at 6:33 pm 2 comments

It’s Official, The World Is Coming to An End

I’m not sure if you know this about me, but I’m a Preacher’s Kid. My father is currently a pastor of a small church. My mother could probably quote the entire Bible without checking once.

So, growing up I’ve heard this quite often. The weather would be strange and the world most definitely will be coming to an end. The economy is doing bad and the world must be coming to the end. A transvestite would walk by and the world is coming to an end. I never believed these dire warnings. I’m probably not the biggest cynic, but I’d be a close runner up. Meteors would have to be falling out the sky, a plague of locust would have to descend on my fair city and a transvestite would have to be walking by for me to believe this at one point in time in my life.

Continue Reading December 24, 2008 at 4:49 am 8 comments

While Cleaning, I Found Jimmy Hoffa

Thoughts I had today:

1. If you never see want something again, give it to your children.

2. So, that’s what the smell was?

3. A debate with myself on whether or not to get rid of nail polish that I’ve had since high school. Yes, sad isn’t it?

*sidenote, I kept it.*

4. To rephrase number #1… If I never want to see something again hide it from my children so they can’t find it.The amazing thing, I won’t ever find it either. Unless, while I’m cleaning.

5. I promise to keep my promise of never letting my house get this dirty again.

6. If you can’t remember when you bought it, don’t try the make-up on.

7. If you want free labor–with the expense of whining–have children.

8. No, wait. Scratch that. I found a preztel in the hair product cabinet.

9. If you didn’t know you had that make-up, can’t remember when you bought that make-up, don’t keep it. Or else you’ll end up with five eye-liners. Trust me. I have five eyeliners and can’t remember when I bought them. Nine times out of ten, I couldn’t find the last one and bought another. Yeah, that me.

10.Hmm, eye bandade patches–Arrgh-me-maties.

11. I’m no better than a five year old when it comes to playing with stuff you’ve found. Like I said, that’s me.

12. If you haven’t attacked the dishes and you need a place put the pens and spare change–champange flutes work just as well.

Cleaning. Jimmy Hoffa. Yeah. That’s my life. Welcome to my world.

December 21, 2008 at 6:25 am 6 comments

No You Cannot Buy Tranquilizer’s On Amazon

E-bay maybe, but thankfully I didn’t have to find out. My children survived finals and so did I. It was touch and go there for a moment.

And, I’m totally not making any of my before the year end goals.

That’s okay. It’s finally hit me that I will no longer be worker at my job. And that I’ll be graduating next semester. And that my to-do list is getting longer each breath I take.

So, if you don’t hear from me, but of course you’ll hear from me I can’t seem to ever shut up on my blog, I’m dealing with stuff.

But first I have a glass of 2001 Chardonay calling to me.

December 18, 2008 at 6:57 am 6 comments

My Children Have A Death Wish

Do they not see the crazy look in my eyes?

Do the words “I’m studying” mean anything?

Or better yet, “I’m insane at the moment and no jury would convict me,” not mean anything to them?

For the simple fact I’m sending them to bed early make no difference in their behavior.

I don’t need Nanny 911, I need a tranquilzer. For the love of jebus.

Okay, that is all.

*no children have been harmed in the making of this post*

December 16, 2008 at 6:13 am 4 comments

Not Dead, But It Feels LIke It

Soooooo, it’s been quiet on my blog. You want to know why?

I did in fact resign from my job. Have to deal with that fall out.

Finals. Oh, my god. I only have one more semester of this B.S. called school. Until then I’m reciting discovery tools like my life depends on it. Well, at the moment it does ’cause I refuse to fail this class.

Did I mention I resigned from my job?

Writing what is that?

Stalking my e-mail? Who has time?

Did I mention I have finals?

So if you guys don’t hear from me until the New Year, I’m not dead. I’m training people to do the job I could do in my sleep *but no so much for others*, and memorizing 300 hundred pages of text, quizing myself on what I just read, and doing it again.

Oh, yeah, and feeding the kids.

And who has time for sleep.

Coffee. More. Coffee.

It’s so bad this is the extent of my promotional efforts:

Buy it. It’s in print now.

Did I mention I felt dead?

December 12, 2008 at 10:30 pm 5 comments

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