PLOTS AND CHARACTERS:s#^t that irritates me

April 13, 2007 at 7:22 pm Leave a comment

WARNING STRONG LANGUAGE AND FOAMING AT THE MOUTH WILL OCCUR DURING THIS POST: names of characters and author omitted to protect stupidity.

I might as well get this out of the way, I’m not a paid or volunteer book reviewer, I’m a newbie writer, but first and foremost I’m a reader. It would be a novel within itself if I was to write down every book I’ve read. Yet,last night I read a book that I will rename WALLBANGER HALL OF FAME that pissed me off as reader and writer.

Don’t get me wrong the book was well written, the first scene hooked me and pulled me in and I got a little rush thinking this is going to be good. The first chapter, I thought, was setting me up for backstory. I can deal with that, but by page 100 I’ve had enough, but one of my pet peeves is not finishing a book, I personally need to know how a book ends or it’ll drive me nuts. I chugged along from 1971 to 1983. I liked the main characters I could smyphatize(sp?) with the hero and heroine’s situation. Her mother kidnaps her for her safety from a sick sadistic brother who tries to molest when she’s five. They go into hiding until she’s twelve then her mother leaves her with hero to protect her from the same sick sadistic brother when they come looking for them. The mother figures if they aren’t together than they won’t find her daughter.

Of course, the heroine clings to the hero. She’s 13, still technically a child, until she masturbates. This gives me pause, I try to be open minded especially with recent discussions of what romance should be. For the sake of the story I go along with it, just a little bothered. Finally by page 207 it jumps to real time, simultaneously I’m gritting my teeth, wanting to shout get to the fucking story.

The heroine’s brother all this time has been looking for her, promising to himself they will never be apart again. He finds her, plans to marry her to make sure she stays in the family. Again this gives me pause, reminds me of V.C. Andrews and incest being the thing to do. I’m chugging along. The heroine knows nothing about her true heritage and is swept off her feet by the brother, not knowing it’s her brother. She feels uneasy with him, but constantly talks herself into believing it’s all in her head.

Now up until this point I was only hesitant about the whole relationship, but told myself the author set the book up to make the character think sex is uncomfortable. That theory is blown to bits when she has sex with the hero. They have an argument, she calls it quits and goes back to the brother, still not knowing his true identity. I’m fine with this, it’s all for the story, right?

But then the love scene happenes. Yes, between the sister and brother. In a strange way this doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is that she starts to feel queasy, his kisses, caresses makes her want to rip off her skin. She doesn’t know why.

At this point I’m like what the fuck?

What person in their right mind would ignore feeling bile in their throat each time a man touches them during sex and wouldn’t call it quits? Forgive me I’m studying to be a paralegal and we go by the reasonable person standard a lot.

I digress, when the hero climaxes on top of her she makes a beeline to the restroom and pukes up everything she’s eaten. I’m thinking okay she’ll see the light and call the relationship quits. She doesn’t. If I had a stamp with Too Stupid To Live On It I would send it to this woman and tell her to hit herself with it over her head.

I could understand and be emphatic if she was pregnant or got motion sickness fairly easy, but it’s the idea of making love to him that makes her ill and she doesn’t even know it’s her brother. HINT, HINT, CLUE! right? No, she doesn’t run in the opposite direction, she doesn’t quit her job and find a new identity from this man, she gets engaged to him.

WHAT THE FUCK?

The author completely lost me. I didn’t give a hoot about the character, her situation, or the fact she may die. The icing on the cake was when she came home from work one day to find him in her house. He doesn’t have a key, he’s packed her things and she goes with him willingly just WONDERING why he didn’t answer her questions of how he got into her house. Her dog is nowhere to be found and she knows the dog doesn’t like him. HINT,HINT,CLUE!

These reasons and a hundred more is why this book is nominated for the WALLBANGER HALL OF FAME award. I don’t give this out often, but this book deserves it. Congratulations. I’ll never buy another one of this author’s book again.

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